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Unnecessary clapping

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and other white elephants

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from Galanty Miller

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I gave it all up to pursue my dream of being poor./ Let’s all give a big round of applause to unnecessary clapping./ I won’t be able to attend your wedding because I’ve been invited to play Candy Crush on the same day./ I was acquitted on all charges except “threatening the jury”./ My wife and I are into threesomes because we both prefer to be on top./ The worst part about going to court for jaywalking was having to face the victims’ families./ Yes, it’s a very sexy steak. But stop looking at it like it’s a piece of meat./ If you accidentally spill a little seltzer on your shirt, what’s the best way to get it out?/ I wrote a screenplay about thieves who come up with a clever way to rob a bank. But rather than sell my script, I decided to just rob a bank./ My last words were “God this sucks.” Oop- I meant that those were my FIRST words./ I would like to see a reality show about what the Kardashians do when the cameras are *off*./ You can’t spell ‘friend’ without ‘end.’/ My wife and I had that awkward conversation, which every couple goes through, where we point out each other’s physical flaws./ My company guarantees you’ll love our cash or your money back!/ I’ve been driving around with this prostitute for hours looking for a spot because I refuse to pay for parking./ I can’t wait to find out who Playboy names as its Playmate of the Yea… oh, hey, free Internet Porn!/ I’m self-conscious about being naked. So when I shower, I use a body double./ Never let people stop you from reaching your dreams- unless those people happen to be *in* your dreams, in which case it’s too late./ I would be okay with having the last name “Genital” unless I was a general./ We set up our campsite here in this nice air-conditioned hotel room./ I told my teenage son that if he’s going to have sex, he should do it in the safety of our own crack house./ I feel like a man trapped in a woman’s body. (That’s the last time we use glue during sex.)/ I would only call 9-1-1 after I exhausted all other means of trying to open this pickle jar./ Hey! I lost 19 pounds on the “If You Lose More Than 20 Pounds We Will Murder Your Family” diet!/ My wife and I are so embarrassed! This morning, our kids walked in on us having a fight about why we never have sex. / She’s beautiful and she never turns around. She would make a perfect oneway model. / I don’t think snakes should have the right to bear arms./ The odds of winning the lottery are 100 million-to-one, which isn’t bad considering I didn’t buy a ticket./ Osama bin Laden will never get to experience the joy of being a grandparent. That’s KARMA, bitch!/ My friend is a functioning alcoholic. He only gets drunk at functions./ My son asked if there were monsters under his bed. I responded, “Maybe YOU are the monster.”/ “I don’t see ‘race’.” – blind Ku Klux Klan member/ It is the schools’ responsibility to keep our desks safe./ I never congratulate a woman on her pregnancy unless I’m absolutely sure she has a big belly./ I was a terrible male prostitute due to my low sex drive./ I’m finally at that age where I don’t care that people don’t think about me./ I dreamt that I died. But when I woke up, I was still dead./ My fiancé and I are getting married during the end-of-the-world Armageddon. Save the date!/ Legalizing drugs would send a terrible message to children I’ve mugged for drug money./ I was standing at the urinal with a friend, having a conversation. It wasn’t awkward, though, because we weren’t going to the bathroom./ I believe in being totally honest in situations where it benefits me./ I’ve always relied on the kindness of psychopaths.
 
Galanty Miller is a successful playwright, speechwriter, joke writer, and… well, regular writer. His work has appeared on Comedy Central, the Independent Film Channel, the Onion, the Huffington Post, theatrical stages, and in the national political arena. And he is a “Top Cop” in Us Weekly Magazine’s popular Fashion Police section. His articles appear regularly in Ragazine.