Parker Gibbs photo. Unsplash


***

Wheels of MisFortune

and other fleeting thoughts

  I broke up with the woman who traveled back with me in our time machine because I just don’t see a future together./ When I was a teenager, my parents forced me into “gay conversion therapy.” It was traumatic, but my parents just really wanted me to be gay./ I’m taking an on-line course to learn how to better communicate with people./ I’m not a fan of reheated ice cream./ I realize it’s not daylight savings time today, but I turned back my clock an hour last night so I could get a little extra sleep./ I remember one time Ben let Jerry take the lead… and the ice cream was horrible./ “Okay, now I’ll do you.” (what I say to the doctor after my colonoscopy)/ Unemployment? Hell — more like UnemJOYment!/ I won’t let my kids drive until they’re old enough to steal a car./ We need a President who will fight for the sleeping class./ And for my third and final wish, I’d like, oh, I don’t know, I guess I could use a more comfortable chair./ Just a friendly reminder to have your pets spayed and married!/ I got thrown off Wheel of Fortune after I tried to steal a vowel./ I think the best way to get young people interested in politics is to convince them that voting is exactly like going to a hip-hop concert./ Growing up, we were so poor that when my dad took us to see the car show, it was actually just the mall parking lot./ OMG Do you realize that today is the 50th Anniversary — more or less — of the first moon landing?!/ My grandpa is a super nice guy and he has lots of funny stories. But whatever you do, do not ask him about the time he murdered 251 people./ I gave my son money for textbooks and he blew it on drugs… which isn’t a huge surprise since my son is a 51-year-old homeless drug addict./ One person truly CAN make a difference in this world… just as long as he has super powers./ Wait- so Puff Daddy and P Diddy are the same guy?!/ OMG I found a razor blade in my bag of Halloween cocaine./ For Thanksgiving this year, we’re giving out Snickers./ I support beagleizing dogs./ Is that a ghost in your pants or are you just scared to see me?/ Have you noticed that the majority of serial killers are ticklish?/ I truly believe that Michael Vick feels remorse for all the dogs he is going to kill./ I’m afraid to try stand-up comedy out of fear the audience will notice my erection./ I’m looking at the five-day forecast and it looks like it’s gonna be 71 degrees every day this week in my apartment./ As much as I believe in the 2nd Amendment, I do believe in laws that would eliminate loopholes at Well Regulated Militia shows./ Sometimes I feel like the NFL is not doing enough to lower awareness for domestic abuse./ I’m a black belt in the ancient art of “karate belt stealing.”/ The best way to close the loophole for gun shows is to arm the people trying to close the loophole./ The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is an even worse guy with a gun./ It’s my 3rd Amendment right to own a gun./ On a scale of 1 to 100, rate “James Bond” actor Daniel Craig’s handsomeness./ Note to self: New Doughnut Flavor- Jalapeno! And then one day, Broogah—considered the most inventive of the cavemen—introduced “pants” to the rest of the group./ My foot fell asleep.

Chuttersnap / Unsplash

My other foot passed out./ You know the ole’ saying, an apple a day keeps the pharmaceutical companies trying to get a patent on apples./ I’m training my dog to follow me on Twitter./ Eight-years-old is a little young for my daughter to have her own iPhone, but now I can keep in touch w/ her on nights she goes out with her friends./ My teenage son makes fun of me because I still use a flip phone. And in turn, I make fun of him because he’s still a virgin./ I believe that inside every man beats the heart of a person./ My girlfriend and I got matching tattoos. Now we both have a picture of my face on our asses./ I submitted to a DNA test in order to prove that’s my biological foot./ I wonder how many undiscovered colors are still out there?/ Veterans Day should include people like me, who planned on joining the military but just never got around to it./ In retrospect, I kind of feel like Beyonce was only reaching out to some of the single ladies./ Sometimes I just want to tell all my friends to go to hell (Unfortunately, I don’t have any friends.)/ “What, you think you’re better than me?!”— drunk guy meeting Jesus/ How much are you supposed to tip the guy who repossesses your car?/ If God is omnipotent, can he come up with an existential question so deep that even he can’t answer it?  
    About Galanty Miller:  Galanty Miller is a successful playwright, speechwriter, joke writer, and… well, regular writer. His work has appeared on Comedy Central, the Independent Film Channel, the Onion, the Huffington Post, theatrical stages, and in the national political arena. And he is a “Top Cop” in Us Weekly Magazine’s popular Fashion Police section. His articles appear regularly in Ragazine.