Maybe a pill…by Galanty Miller Columnist With all the horrible things going on in the world, it’s very comforting to know that at least Mr. Rogers is still alive./ Bisexual? Heck, I’m TRIsexual because I won’t try ANYTHING./ So much information out there. Teens need to know that you can’t get pregnant by humping your friends’ furniture when you house-sit for them./ As my financial advisor explained it to me, “You’re bankrupt because you spent all your savings on expensive European skin moisturizers.”/ Don’t forget! Tomorrow is National Yesterday Day. It’s the one day of the year that we get together to celebrate today./ I truly believe that our nation works best when Americans are completely divided over every single issue. If I could have dinner with any two people, living or dead, I’d choose Gandhi & Kylie Jenner- so Gandhi could see how the world turned out./ It was an ugly divorce. But I sent a Facebook friend request to my ex-wife, just to show there are no hard feelings./ Medical technology is amazing. I truly believe that in my lifetime, a mound of cocaine will be replaced by a single pill./ Maybe my ungrateful, unappreciative family should celebrate YOU’RE WELCOMESGIVING!/ Whoever invented Twitter knew the exact amount of characters necessary to keep your tweets from being significant./ Here’s another kids joke for adults: Q Why was six attracted to seven? A Because seven ate out nine./ Always rest on your Hardee’s./ On my new Facebook update, I confessed my mad, passionate love to a woman. She “liked” it… but “as a friend”./ Our space shuttle has an outdoor pool./ Never let them see you sweat… unless they think you’re dead and are about to bury you alive./ I won’t allow my kids to spend more than an hour a day programming the DVR./ My aunt is a hoarder so we’re helping her throw away all these piles of gold bars./ If you’re going to have a one-night stand with a long sentence, then don’t forget to wear a comma./ Middle-aged men with high blood pressure should never be allowed to own a salt weapons./ I don’t support racial profiling unless it’s absolutely racist to keep our country safe./ They say blondes have more fun so when my grandma was put on life support, we put a blonde wig on her head. According to my psychic reading this afternoon, I’m going to get conned out of my money sometime this afternoon./ I just got dental implants. So I left a few dollars under my pillow for the tooth fairy./ When I was on vacation in Hollywood, I bought a “map to the star’s homes” in the run-down shack where Dustin Diamond lives./ My girlfriend and I have a like/hate relationship. (I have a difficult time expressing love.)/ I tell kids in prison that w/hard work, patience, & a positive attitude- that one day they’ll achieve their dreams if they weren’t in prison./ First we didn’t protect our Borders. And it turned into a disaster. So now I think we should build a big wall around our Barnes & Noble./ I spend Christmas with my family. But as soon as it’s over, I go back to my loved ones.
About the author: Scott “Galanty” Miller. Columnist. “Galanty Miller is a writer for The Onion News Network and he is a “Top Cop” in Us Weekly Magazine’s popular Fashion Police section. You can read more about him in About Us. Follow him on Twitter at #GalantyMiller and on his website at www.scottgalantymiller.com.