Serial Killers, Successful Actors
and Crest Yellowing Stripsby Galanty Miller Contributor Columnist I know for a FACT that over 70 percent of American children under the age of 8 are affiliated with the Communist Party./ What’s the world coming to?! Do you realize it now costs a family of four over 200 dollars for an afternoon out at the strip club?/ Rainy days and Mondays always get me hard./ NOTICE: I’m deactivating face-to-face personal interaction & conversation for a few months. If you wanna get in touch w/me, use Facebook./ I mean, it’s 2018! If we can fake a man on the moon, then how come we STILL can’t find Bigfoot?!/ I think it’s ridiculous paying a fortune at some fancy shmancy salon when you can get a perfectly good haircut at Burger King./ I absolutely REFUSE to be bullied by impoverished orphaned children./ I read that 99 percent of the human body is made up of water. So when I get thirsty, I just lick myself./ Such a cruel God that He made us all so hungry all the time./ You know what’s sad? It’s 2018 and our genitals are still not allowed to vote./ Scary Statistic: Only 38% of Americans not in prison are innocent./ OMG I just found out that I’m a direct descendant of Thomas Jefferson! (I’m his son.)/ Is Mothers Day supposed to honor ALL mothers, or just the good ones?/ At parties, I find the most interesting people to talk to are serial killers and successful actors./ Do you know what’s ruining our political system? People. /Medical Miracles: Since 2008, due to medical technology, the lifespan for people born inside-out has increased by 30% to 1.2 minutes./ switching to shitty beer./ Can you be arrested for outsider trading? I get all my stock tips from goth teenagers./ I painted my toilet bowl red, white, and blue because it’s my patriotic duty./ In retrospect, I shouldn’t have used these Crest Yellowing Strips. They really work!/ I’m currently working on a comic book superhero whose only power is that he can beat up Superman./ I listen to a lot of Christian rock music because of my loyal devotion to the Gods of rock!/ I adopted a foreign exchange dog, but it’s hard to train him because he barks in French./ My son fell into the petting zoo so they had to shoot all the goats and sheep./ Life is just FULL of surprises. Want an example? Okay. The other day, I was taking a walk, and- out of the blue- something surprised me./ Are nightmares fun for people who like scary movies?/ I went in for a sex change operation and my incompetent doctor removed the wrong penis!/ Life has taught me a lot. And in turn, I feel that I’ve taught life a lot, too./ The only good zombie is a DEAD zombie./ I shouldn’t have assaulted the umpire at my son’s Little League game, but it’s important my kids learn the value of making the right call./ Am I nervous that my 2-year-old is taking a 500-mile journey in a hot air balloon all by himself? Of COURSE I am. But it’s his passion./ Never settle for less. Instead, try to ENJOY less./ I keep going to AA meetings in Hollywood in hopes that I’ll get a sponsor who’s famous./ As an actor, I won’t do nude scenes unless it’s absolutely integral to the wrap-up party orgy./How does one survive life in prison? Answer: laughter./ Friends come and go. But enemies last forever.
About the author: Galanty Miller is a writer for The Onion News Network and is a “Top Cop” in Us Weekly Magazine’s popular Fashion Police section. His work has appeared on Comedy Central, the Independent Film Channel, in the Huffington Post, on theatrical stages, and in the national political arena. Follow him on Twitter at #GalantyMiller and on his website at www.scottgalantymiller.com.