Photo by Clark Tibbs on Unsplash
by Galanty Miller
I truly believe that Internet pornography is ruining society… but improving the Internet./ At least my son died doing what he loved. (He loved dying.)/ First day of school?!?! Then where the hell has my six-year-old been going every morning for the past two months?!?/ I met Roy G Biv yesterday. But I wish there was a way to remember his name./ I believe it’s every American’s responsibility to vote at least one time in their life./
My wife gets ONE celebrity “free pass.” It’s Rob Kardashian. (I got to choose the celebrity.)/ I told my son he could play Xbox as long as he promised to pay for the games and my cigarettes./ It’s so hard to get my kids to open up about school. I ask them how the day went & their only response is “It was fine. There was a shooting.”/ I love all those CBS crime shows because I find murder entertaining./ I feel so stuffed. I’m only going to have one more entire cake./
There’s no “I” in “The Team’s All About Me.”/ How come the Hulk never takes off his pants?/ It would be a much better world if everyone took just 15 minutes a week to stop a murder in progress./ If I was in a gun fight with Superman, I’d coat the bullets with lead so he wouldn’t see them coming./ I told my teenage daughter, “I don’t think you’re ready for sex. But if you ARE going to do it, then wear a condom./ I like to keep my parties small, so I only invite my parents./ My son is going through his “rebellious” phase and now he’s saying he’s an atheist…which is ridiculous because my son is Jesus./
I only do superfluous things if it’s absolutely necessary./ I have the power to fly. But I never do it because I’m afraid of heights./ I bought a big screen TV because my couch is like fifty yards away./ I can’t figure out all this legal mumbo jumbo. Just give me a simple “yes” or “no.” AM I allowed to threaten people on Twitter?/ My choice to play the lead in the new live-action Mulan? Jennifer Lawrence./ I never congratulate young couples on having a baby until I investigate their motivation./ My self-driving car is drunk.
I don’t necessarily vote for the same people I endorse./ Ten years ago today I decided to take charge of my life and get sober. (And I swear I’m eventually gonna follow through on that decision.)/ The film Jerry Maguire is over 20 years old! To put that into perspective, back then a human head only weighed 8 pounds./ 2018 was a horrible year. I hope 2019 is much different because I don’t want to see those same celebrities die.
About the author:
Scott “Galanty” Miller. Columnist. Galanty Miller is a writer for The Onion News Network and he is a “Top Cop” in Us Weekly Magazine’s popular Fashion Police section. His work has appeared on Comedy Central, the Independent Film Channel, the Huffington Post, theatrical stages, and in the national political arena. Follow him on Twitter at #GalantyMiller and on his website at www.scottgalantymiller.com.