Photo by Chris Favero

An Elephant never forgets…

By Galanty Miller

They say an elephant never forgets. That’s why elephant marriages rarely work out./ It’s a hot night, but luckily my blanket is air-conditioned./ I cut off all my hair to support my friend who was diagnosed with cancer during his skinhead rally./ I thought I was gonna murder that guy first. So I had to kill him in self-offense./ When I die, I hope I’m not reincarnated as someone on their death bed./ “Let’s take a chance and do something new and original!” – Hollywood executive about to get fired/ The key is to picture everyone in their underwear, not just when you’re public speaking, but all the time./ They say that “being dead” is the new “90”!/ To believe in a higher power is against my religion./ My theater group performed a play written by Prince Charles, but had to pay royalties./ My car runs on solar-powered gasoline./ I’m worried that if my son goes to school with a pink assault rifle, the other kids will make fun of him./ Be careful what you wish for. I wish I would be more careful./ The passenger sitting next to me had a dream last night that our plane didn’t crash. So I’m not worried that we just lost a wing./ I put the sugar substitute for white people here and the sugar substitute for black people in a different spot. They’re separate but Equal./ “I’m not here to make friends” … is NOT what I should’ve said while I was pledging the fraternity./ Wearing an oxford shirt is unnatural. It’s Adam & Eve, not Adam & SLEEVE.

Truth or Dare photo

Photo by Geralt

I listen to my kids’ music to make sure they’re not hearing any offensive melodies./ Every Saturday night, my wife & I have “date night”. But that’s the only time during the week we’re apart./ I try to learn at least one new thing everyday. Today I learned it’s too much of a hassle to try to learn one new thing a day./ I’ll bet you a million dollars that I’m a millionaire. But you have to pay up first./ When playing “Truth or Dare”, I always pick “truth.” Because dares can be embarrassing. But if you pick “truth”, you can always lie./ I’m conflicted about this wedding because while I support gay marriage, I think Brett might be cheating on Brian./ My best friend’s wedding is during breakfast, so I’ve been asked to make the toast./ I re-tweet all the death threats I receive./ Are you supposed to tip a prostitute?/ I’m a wimpy drinker. The last thing I remember Saturday night, before blacking out, was finishing up my second beer./ I don’t have a lot of friends, so when I get married, I’m just gonna look for a “best man” on Craigslist./ I eat fast food every single day because I believe in living life to the fattest./ We need to stop illegal emigration because my maid keeps trying to escape./ “Surely, Temple University is not where you’re going to college.” “It is- and don’t call me Shirley Temple.”/ I got a tattoo of the word “death” on my arm. Hopefully, it’s not permanent./ I’ve been truly blessed with so much good luck./ Don’t let other people stand in the way of your dream of being a hermit./ As a responsible drug dealer, I always “tag” my hash. But how can I spread the word that I’m doing this?/ Never let your Facebook friends not “liking” your ‘motivational sayings’ posts from reaching your dreams./ My gut is telling me I should see a doctor about my talking gut.

I slept with an employee and never called her back. But it’s okay because it was on ‘casual sex Friday’./ My family moved to Idaho when I was a child and it was awful… but mostly because they didn’t take me with them./ They should make a beer that freshens your breath- for those mornings you have to go to work./ I have the best acquaintances in the whole wide world! (You guys are always there for me when I need you every couple of months.)/ We can stop teenagers from smoking by educating them about other ways to ingest nicotine./ I’m an organ donor, but only if it goes to someone famous./ The oldest living American is a 116-year-old woman. She is the only voice of her generation./ You’d be surprised, but miming is actually a lot harder to do than it is to watch./ If I could ask God one question, it would be, “How can I save up to 15% on car insurance?”/ I just got run over by an ambulance! Quick! Someone call an… no, nevermind./ When I got out with my wife, I always bring a wingman./ I can always count on my friends. (They have abacus tattoos.)/ I have a very you-deprecating sense of humor./ My fiancée is still a virgin because she’s saving herself for the bachelorette party./ When I’m not doing yoga, I mostly just sit around./ “Sometimes I think women only like me because I’m money.” – Donald Trump’s Money/ I’ve been meaning to tell my fiancée that I want to break up, but we’ve both just been so busy planning the wedding./ My wife and I wrote our wedding vows on Snapchat./ The devil’s greatest feat is tricking people into thinking he doesn’t exist. His second-greatest feat is making Russell Brand famous./ I never apologize because it’s better to be safe than sorry./ My ex-wife and I are sharing custardy with our Boston cream doughnut filling./ If they make Gone Girl into a book, who do you think should play the lead characters?/ I think the ecstasy drug should be legal as long as you have a prescription from a horny stranger who wants to bang./ Christmas must be a lonely time of the year for people in prison for murdering their families./ Never give up on the dreams your parents have for you./ Breakfast is the most important meal of the morning./ I’m very organized. Hence, I finished up all my Christmas shopping in 2008./ Never let some pointless motivational babble stop you from reaching your goals.


About the Author:

Galanty Miller is a successful playwright, speechwriter, joke writer, and… well, regular writer. His work has appeared on Comedy Central, the Independent Film Channel, the Onion, the Huffington Post, theatrical stages, and in the national political arena. And he is a “Top Cop” in Us Weekly Magazine’s popular Fashion Police section. His articles appear regularly in Ragazine.


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