Bright Lights in a Dark Universe
and other passing thoughts
If I could have dinner with any three people, living or dead, I’d prefer to do it living./ I try to take a lot of wind & solar naps because I support alternative forms of sluggishness./ Women think ‘vulnerability’ is sexy, so when I meet women at parties, I always cry./ I hate fuzzy fruit. But I’ll fight for your right to eat it because I believe in the freedom of peach./ Deep down, I think that serial killer with the tiny little person living in his stomach controlling his every move is a good person./ On this one controversial issue, I and my alternate universe anti-clone will just have to disagree to agree./ Murphy’s Sharia Law: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong; plus, women aren’t allowed to drive./ I found a million-dollar Picasso painting at my neighbor’s garage sale! (It’s not a surprise, though, since my neighbor is Picasso.)/ I might be drunk, but you’re ugly. And tomorrow I’ll be sober − but you’ll still be stupid./ The best time to shoot someone is right after they die. That way you won’t be arrested for murder./ The best things in life are free. The worst things in life are seven bucks. (That’s how much it costs to download Kesha’s new album.)/ I only eat meat if the animals are slaughtered willingly./ I’m okay with police brutality as long as they’re just doing it to each other.
I go to inner cities and speak to street gang members about the importance of recycling./ At the Displaying Hall of Fame, they have the actual glass case that other museums have used to display things./ Don’t sweat the small stuff. Luckily, I have a terminal disease that prevents me from sweating./ When you constantly use four-letter words, you sound like an ignorant fuk./ For 500 dollars in the category IN THE FORM OF A QUESTION, this pronoun is used to describe a question. “What is what is what?” “Correct!”/ My favorite part of the day at Seaworld is feeding time at the killer whale tank. Because I like the taste of./ I just got a great pair of shoes from Payless. They cost twenty dollars. But I handed the cashier fifteen bucks and ran off./ I told my daughters to wait for a boy who truly respects them before having anal sex./ I took my son to see Arsenio Hall’s career in order to teach him about death./ This could be the last time you ever use a calculator, so MAKE IT COUNT!/ When I’m watching a play, it totally takes me out of the moment when the actors on stage are using their cell phones./ In high school, I was voted “Most Likely To Succeed” because I sucked a lot of seeds in the cafeteria./ I oppose infidelity unless it’s absolutely necessary./ The only thing that helps me get to sleep are bed bug bites./ I only eat Doritos that are here legally./ The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the one where he saws a woman in half but the feet and hands are still moving./ If I win the lottery, I will visit homeless shelters and give away all my lottery-winning tips./ When my kids come home after school, I always make them a healthy snack. That’s because dinner is candy.
What I do in the privacy of my own home is nobody’s business. (Ironically, I run an Internet spying business from my home.)/ You know what you never hear? “I work at Microsoft and my job is to come up with new ideas.”/ The President is doing a terrible job during lunchtime. Because that’s when millions of people are out of work./ I live in a three-wall apartment. I broke down the 4th wall in order to narrate my life./ What female prison inmates like most about conjugal visits is the cuddling./ Can you imagine how different The Titanic film would’ve been had Leonardo DiCaprio’s role gone to a T-Rex?/ I think we should use the term “Philosophically Non-Hurtful” because it’s more politically correct way of saying “politically correct.”/ If I had only one hour to live, I’d send Facebook friend requests to all the people on my “people you may know” section./ I wonder who the first person was to ever call in a radio show and say “first time, long time.”/ When I drive, I keep my shotgun in the front passenger seat next to me./ Everyone’s talking about how I filled up a little paper cone with H2O. It was a real water cooler moment./ I like my acting class because the teacher doesn’t take attendance./ I’ll only give blood if the Red Cross assures me that my blood is going to save dogs./ Can’t we just agree that ALL knives matter? Last night I had a crazy sex dream about a happily married couple./ I always arrive to the movie early just in case there’s a before-credits scene./ I’m doing a study to find out what percentage of rocket scientists have neck tattoos./ My wife and I are so close that we finish each other’s sentences. “I want a…” “… divorce.”
I promised the waitress that if my lottery ticket hits the jackpot, I’m going to donate a million dollars to charity in her name./ Back when Full House was on the air, a lot of people didn’t realize that the one of the olsen twins were conjoined./ As punishment for all his heinous crimes, Jared Fogle should be forced to eat Subway sandwiches./ I’m trying to help my grandfather lose his virginity./ I went on a date with a mannequin, but she was just so fake./ I agreed to buy cigarettes for my kids as long as they promised not to smoke them./ I was looking through a bunch of stuff in the attic and I found a shoe box with all my old suicide notes./ Seaworld orcas are so lucky because orcas that live free in the ocean never get to experience the liberating feeling of sadness./ Life is short, so be patient and stay within your comfort zone./ I know the secret twist on this season’s Surivor! (spoiler alert) All the contestants on the island are there against their will./ “I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I drink crushed shark brain.” – The Most Interesting Man In The World/ My favorite Biblical passage is the one that talks about how you shouldn’t take shit from anyone and sometimes in life you just gotta GO for it. / I’m not racist because I hate all races equally./ I went to Ashley Madison’s Garden Tools Website, where I set up a rake profile./ I and Alex Trebek agreed I shouldn’t be a contestant on his show because neither of us wants to jeopardize our friendship.
If a person could run faster than the speed of light, and he was holding a flashlight, does the flashlight just shine darkness?/When a person dies, I sit back and quietly reflect on what he or she ever did for ME./ Doctors found a malignant tumor in my optimism & they were forced to remove it. Hence, I’m no longer very optimistic about my health./ I feel like my life would be completely different if I had a fully-functioning Iron-Man suit./ “We just grew apart” is how my wife and I described our wedding reception./ My last words before I got shot at the grocery store: “Excuse me, Sir. I believe you have more than 15 items.”