Photo by Robert Anasch on Unsplash


“I will not be bullied…”


by Galanty Miller

Let’s all take 15 minutes a week to consider the possibility that everything in which we so passionately believe is completely wrong./ I feel like I could survive in the wilderness as long as I was close to a store./ Do you realize that if we made voting as easy as browsing for Internet pornography, millions of Americans would develop a voting addiction?/ I’m terrible at strip poker because I wear a onesie./ Never let reality stop you from achieving your dreams./ I wouldn’t say I’m religious, but I consider myself “spiritual”… is what I yelled while being stabbed during the bloody prison riot./ I always forget the grammar rule. Is it “I AM going to the store” or “I IS going to the store?/ You only die once, so make it count!/

David Hasselhoff must get tired of people on the street confusing him with “Mitch”, his fictional character from Baywatch./ I always read the middle chapter of a novel first- just in case I die before I finish reading it or I never get around to starting it./ My dog thought he heard lightning & fearfully hid in the corner. But I showed him that sound was simply a gunshot from the riots outside./ If I was coaching the USA track team, I’d tell them to run faster./ My stalker wrote a book about murdering me. The jacket cover is a picture of how he’s going to do it. But I never judge a book by its cover./ Just to be clear- my personal prejudices have nothing to do with race./ I heard that Dr. Phil is not a real “Phil.”/ I don’t like it when people use the word “literablly” incorrectly.

I leave, bring, and fill out my own “How was the Service?” survey cards and leave them on the table at restaurants that don’t offer them./ I believe EVERYONE should stand for the national anthem. And, yes, I’m talking to YOU, people in wheelchairs./ If young people are “millennials,” then what do we call people who are 1000 years old?/ My favorite part of Suicide Squad was when they wouldn’t let Will Smith’s kid have a part in the movie./ I murdered my evil twin in his sleep./ I have season tickets to the Super Bowl./ EVERY day is Halloween when you randomly knock on people’s doors and ask for candy./ I will not be bullied into not bullying people./ New idea for a comic book superpower: Removable Thumbs/ Honestly, I don’t find gorgeous people to be particularly attractive./ More Hollywood Discrimination: Of this year’s major movie releases, only 9% of all starting roles went to children./ It’s never an interesting time to be alive.

I absolutely REFUSE to be bullied by impoverished orphaned children./ I read that 99 percent of the human body is made up of water. So when I get thirsty, I just lick myself./ Such a cruel God that He made us all so hungry all the time/ Scary Statistic: Only 38% of Americans not in prison are innocent.  Rainy days and Mondays always get me hard./ At parties, I find the most interesting people to talk to are serial killers and successful actors./ Do you know what’s ruining our political system? People.

I painted my toilet bowl red, white, and blue because it’s my patriotic duty. Are nightmares fun for people who like scary movies? I went in for a sex change operation and my incompetent doctor removed the wrong penis!/ Life has taught me a lot. And in turn, I feel that I’ve taught life a lot, too./ The only good zombie is a DEAD zombie./ I shouldn’t have assaulted the umpire at my son’s Little League game, but it’s important my kids learn the value of making the right call./ Am I nervous that my 2-year-old is taking a 500-mile journey in a hot air balloon all by himself? Of COURSE I am. But it’s his passion./ Never settle for less. Instead, try to ENJOY less./ I keep going to AA meetings in Hollywood in hopes that I’ll get a sponsor who’s famous./ As an actor, I won’t do nude scenes unless it’s absolutely integral to the wrap-up party orgy./How does one survive life in prison? Answer: laughter./ Friends come and go. But enemies last forever.



About the author:

galanty-207x300Galanty Miller is a writer for The Onion News Network and is a “Top Cop” in Us Weekly Magazine’s popular Fashion Police section. His work has appeared on Comedy Central, the Independent Film Channel, in the Huffington Post, on theatrical stages, and in the national political arena. Follow him on Twitter at #GalantyMiller and on his website at